The Internet Is NOT For Porn!
by Anne Oying
Summary: Poor Columbia just wanted to teach the castle occupants about internet safety, unfortunately, Eddie had other plans. Don't read if you have a weak heart or any moral decency.


**Had this idea while discussing the differences between Kate Monster and Trekkie with someone at school today. **

**Ricky O'B owns the characters. Websites are all property of their respective owners. Robert Lopez and Jeff Marx own the lyrics and any Avenue Q references. Blame them for the eye-rape about to take place.**

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><p>At first, computers had seemed like a good idea.<p>

It was a more efficient way of learning Earth customs, doing the shopping and keeping Frank away from the earthlings. It was a magical place full of answers and colours and what seemed like magic. Columbia felt very proud about introducing it to the ignorant aliens. Especially since Eddie had been so against it.

"I'm telling you, Umbie," he had drawled in that sassy little smirky voice, "This will not end well."

Ha. Shows how much he knows.

But, inevitably, things_ had _started to take a bit of a downward spiral.

The first mistake was allowing Frank access to eBay. That was unforgivable. Shortly after he was granted an account, Columbia had started to notice that certain items had gone missing. At first it was just the odd broken clock or darned sock, but pretty soon small pieces of furniture were vanishing mysteriously, as were priceless heirlooms and all the silverware – it was only when the castle occupants were forced to eat steak out of plastic cups aided only by straws did Frank break down and confess to his bidding addiction.

Around the same time came Fatal Mistake No. 2. Riff's discovery of the stock market. God, it had taken them a while to recover from that one – even now, no one spoke of it without wincing and all memory of the events were in the proccess of being repressed.

_Then_, as if their financial losses had not been enough, Charles – who fancied himself as a sort of criminologist or something – began purchasing ridiculous amounts of crime-realated paraphenalia off of Amazon.

It had to stop before Rocky did something more harmful than sending mass emails to everyone in the castle and social networking every five seconds.

And so, much to Eddie's amusement, Columbia had decided to set-up an 'Internet for Dummies' class with the help of Magenta – the only housemate with enough sense to consult a computer manual before braving the World Wide Web. Not much progress had been made so far, it was mainly an allotted time slot for group-therapy-type confessions and for Eddie to skulk in a corner making sarcastic (bordering on bawdy) remarks.

So far Magenta seemed to be doing all the talking, Columbia generally just kind of smiled and wrote key-points on the blackboard, trying to ignore Eddie's comments.

But today was different. Ho ho. Today, Columbia got to teach a whole lesson all by herself while Magenta took one of her beloved dogs to the vet.

Columbia had been dreaming of this moment ever since she botched her first lesson – she'd been dying for another chance, to prove that, actually, she could do one thing right thank you very much. And so, she stayed up all night before the big day, planning her lesson from top to tail.

"Ahem," she cleared her throat importantly, even though no one was talking: Frank was stroking an ugly plastic lamp like he was expecting a Genie to pop out, Riff was writing down some figures and had a twitch at his eye whilst Charles had that weird look he always got whenever thinking of anything particularly homicidal, Rocky just sat there blankly, "Ahem," she said again, ignore Eddie's parody of her.

"Today, class, we shall be learning about the internet," she choked out, breaking into a sweat – no, this would not be a repeat of the first lesson...

Eddie's eyes widened with sarcastic-shock and he whispered something to Frank who tittered nervously and tightened his grip on his lamp.

"N-now, class," oh no, here comes the stutter, "I k-know t-t-that w-we, w-we, er...," think! Think damn you! Think!

Oh no, she was having a flashback to that traumatic tap performance back in high school when she'd fluffed her lines, tripped over her own feet and flashed her knickers at the decrepit headteacher.

No no no no no no no nooooooooooooo...

"Ahem," she repeated, straightening her skirt, suddenly getting an idea – how had she recovered from the knicker-flashing incident? She'd sang!

"The internet is really really great!" she trilled happily.

"For porn," she thought she heard a small voice whisper... maybe she was hearing things...

She shrugged and continued joyfully, "I've got a fast connection so I don't have to wait!"

"For porn," repeated the voice.

_What? _"There's always some new site -"

"For porn."

"I browse all day and night -"

"For porn."

"It's like I'm surfing at the sped of liiiiiiiiight!"

"For poooooooorn!"

"_**EDDIE**_!" she screeched.

"The internet is for porn!"

"_Eddieeeeeee!"_

"The internet is for porn!"

"_What are you doing?_"

"Why d'you think the net was born? Porn! Porn! Porn!" Eddie jumped up and marched around her gleefully, bellowing at the top of his voice.

"Eddie!" Columbia stood up on her tiptoes and poked him on the chest.

"Oh, hello, Collie," he said innocently.

"You are ruining my song!" she pouted.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I don't mean to!" he said, looking sincere.

Columbia relented at his puppy-eyes, "_Well_... if you don't mind being quiet for a minute so I can finish..."

He smiled sweetly at her, "Ok dokey!" he saluted and stepped back to lean against the blackboard behind her.

"Good!" she beamed at him and turned to face the perplexed audience, "I'm glad we have this new technology!"

"For porn – oops!" he grinned boyishly and shrugged.

"Which gives us untold opportunity!"

"For porn – oops, sorry!"

"Right from your own desktop -"

"For por-" he clapped his hands against his mouth to stop himself.

"You can research, browse and shop -" she turned round to glare at Eddie who emiited a muffled squeak from behind his meaty hands.

She spun back to her students with a cheesy smile on her face, "Until you've had enough and you're ready to stoooooooooop!"

"For pooooooooorn!"

"_**EDDIE.**_" she said in a warning tone, facing him again.

"The interent is for porn!" he sang gleefully, skipping around her.

"_Nooooooooo_!"

"The internet is for porn!"

"Ed**-dieeee**!"

"I'm up all night honking my horn to porn porn poooooorn!" his grin split his face in half as Columbia flushed redder than her hair.

"That's **groooooooooss**! You're a pervert!" she crossed her arms huffily.

"Ah, sticks and stones, Collie."

"No, really. You're a pervert! Normal people don't sit at home and look at porn on the internet." she sniffed haughtily.

Eddie stopped his jig, and got a scandalised smile, "_**Ohhhhhhhhhh?**_ You have no idea! Ready normal people!" he shouted to the boys on the couch.

"Ready!"

"Ready!"

"Ready!" they chorused.

"Let me hear it!" Eddie conducted them.

"The internet is for porn! The internet is for porn!"

"All these guys unzip their flies for porn porn porn"

"The internet is not for porn!" Columbia shrieked, horrified by the direction the lesson was taking – when was Magenta getting back? "_**Hold on a second**_!" she cried, interrupting the chanting perverts.

"Wha-?" muttered Eddie, annoyed.

"Now I happen to know for a fact that you," she pointed desperately at Riff, "Riff, check your portfolio and trade stocks online."

"That's correct," he nodded endearingly.

"And you, Chalres, buy things from Amazon dot com."

"Sure."

"And Frank; you keep selling our possessions on eBay."

"Yes I do!" Frank boomed cheerfully, brandishing the lamp like a trophy.

"And, Rocky; you sent me that sweet online birthday card," she smiled at him lovingly.

"True."

"_Ohhhhh_, but Collie," Eddie came up behind her and whispered into her ear, "What do you think he did... _**after**_?"

The men chuckled whilst Rocky turned scarlet and muttered, "Yeah..."

"_**Ewwwwwwwwwww**_!" Columbia shrieked and tried to convulsively wipe the knowledge off her hands onto Eddie whilst everyone snickered.

"The internet is for porn!" the guys hopped off the couch and joined Eddie in circling the retching Columbia.

"Gross!"

"The internet is for porn!"

"I hate porn." she conceded miserably.

"Grab your dick and double click -"

"Eurgh!" Columbia winced, absolutely disgusted.

"Porn! Porn! Porn! Porn!"

"I hate **men**!" she added, turning green.

"Pooooooorn!

"Pooooorn!"

"I'm leaving!" she screamed, shoving her way through the can-canning jerks.

"Pooooooorn!

"Poooooorn!"

"I hate the internet!" she squealed as she sprinted away, "Eurgh!"

"The internet is for -"

"Internet is for-"

"Internet is for porn!"

"Yeah!"

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><p><strong>I had to tweak a few lyrics and scrap some (there's no way Columbia can rhyme with masturbate quite like Kate can)<strong>

**Also, I have no idea when eBay or Amazon or anything else was founded. Obviously this is some kind of alernate universe where they let the criminologist join in.**

**Anyway, sorry for writing this. I just had to get out of my head.**


End file.
